Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nutella sex= disaster
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
