just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
