We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
