I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
birth control should be required to get into college
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
