Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
