I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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