He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
