True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
