gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
