birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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