I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
