We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
