Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
