I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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