I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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