Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
