I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
