Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
