Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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