And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
