did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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