everyone is single if you try hard enough
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
