Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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