drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
