I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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