My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My feet surprised me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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