I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
