I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it because I queefed?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
