i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
