How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
