youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
