hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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