Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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