Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
