Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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