My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
