do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
