i need an iv and a liver transplant
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize