We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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