NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So apparently I’m into choking now
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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