When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
