I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
