I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
