my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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