Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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