My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
