just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
