If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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