she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
