It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
