that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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