I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
