every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
