I am in a vortex of obligation.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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