You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Can you bring me the toilet please
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
