You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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