My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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