I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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