Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
